As I was balancing on one leg in the shower the other day I found myself surrounded with images of flamingos... the beautiful pink feathered creatures masterfully balancing on one leg. One long, tiny, stick-like leg to be exact. I then wondered why their legs never seem to atrophy, or fatigue. After dropping the Irish Spring for the 5th time I lost my train of thought (and balance), hopped out of the shower on one leg and felt grateful that I wasn't a flamingo after all. Well, at least I think I did.
Surgery. Right heel. Bone spur. Chronic pain (granny alert) most likely caused from soccer. Overuse. Well, actually most likely caused from wearing a pair of sexy Puma cleats in college that were well, quite frankly, thexy. But yes, they were a size too small. And they did the job. And so as a result I paid the price for many years following the glory days until I was encouraged to get 'er done. Just a little chisel-fa-chisel to the heel bone and call it good. Well, one month post op and I'm out of the cast (hot pink, black bow and glitter... of course), now in the boot (not nearly as cute) and on my way to recovery. Not being able to walk, drive, shower without bustin' the flamingo, etc. has taught me so many things. Some silly. All valuable... all treasures worthy of noting:
1. I took for granted so many things I was able to do with two healthy, working legs... like being able to get into the car at any time and drive myself to Brown Jug (yes. of course, the driving foot).
2. When you read comments online such as "get the scooter" from people who have gone through the same surgery... GET. THE. SCOOTER. My scooter has earned personalized license plates.
3. The scooter gracefully scoots over most items on the floor (ie: laundry, hippo, Pirate's Booty, etc.), however it does not scoot well over wigs. In particular, an afro wig.
4. Buzz, "the cast guy," loves his job. When I grow up I hope to love my job, too.
5. Glitter really does make everything better... even on a cast. Even at 40 years old.
6. If you had an issue with mis-matched socks before... wearing a cast for a month post surgery adds an entirely new flair to that dynamic. Think about it. Can't find the other sock? No biggie. Don't need it anyway.
7. You will be asked to wear a shower cap during surgery. And it's not attractive. Yet when your surgeon visits you right before you get knocked out there's something oddly comforting (and humorous) about seeing him wear the exact same hair accessory. I think I may have giggled when I saw him. Then I thought to myself, "Oh wait... we're wearing the same thing."
8. When the anesthesiologist tells you he's about to give you your "margarita" it really is better than the real deal. Believe him. Savor the moment. Tell him all of your secrets.
9. Gavel to Gavel can be more entertaining than recorded Bachelor episodes.
10. I have long toes.
11. The thought of my post-cast hairy legs scared Tierney more than my monster voice.
12. Mumford + Sons = Therapy. Blue Cross member #: 061113.
13. After being able to watch morning TV for the first time in what feels like forever, I learned that I secretly want a job on the Today show. Paige for hire. That's Page with an "i." I won't wear pantyhose ever again but I will spray tan if it helps the ratings.
14. The Target handicap scooters are much slower in real life.
15. Not many things frighten Helga, the sweet cleaning lady from Poland. But when she asks you where the vacuum cleaner is, and then you pause... and then scratch your head... and then pause again, she's officially frightened.
16. Even Jane Fondas--aka donkey kicks and corkscrews--manage to to get one out of a funk.
17. "So Cruel" provides the perfect beat for donkey kicks.
18. Leaving Darwin's after midnight-- on crutches-- is harder than it looks.
19. Mariette 58. Still up for discussion. However, never underestimate the mason jar... think mobile hobbling without wine spillage.
20. Family and friends are treasures and surprise you with their sweet generosity... especially when you least expect it.
